Its not enough that the media bombs you with enough images of people who look super hot & super successful (easy to ignore most times), they sometimes land up telling you about their struggles & pains in getting there (and thats the tough part for me). The net outcome of this is that I land up wondering where I went wrong ?
The thing about coming across people who are successful , is that I develop a feeling of guilt , disgust, anger..not so much towards the successful person, but mostly towards myself. ..Why I don’t have this success in my life, is just one of the many questions that came to my mind. And that I chose to ignore, until a month ago, when I realized that I was jealous of every runner, cyclists & swimmers. Every time I saw someone who was healthy & in great physical shape, I was overcome with sadness. It was definitely not sadness for those poor out of breath runners who were constantly challenging themselves, but a sadness that was coupled with self pity & sometimes self rage, for not achieving my goals. I realised I was sad & jealous & miserable (with a smile on my face) , because I wanted their life & I wanted it now.
This admiration based hate has been a part of my life for the last 5 years. When I think back, I feel I sowed these seeds when I started getting sick & began feeling defeated by it or maybe it was at that time when I saw everyone around me, achieve professional dreams by simply knowing what they wanted to do in life & did it with great ease or was it something else all together. Either ways I was on a path of defeat & misery & suffering & I just got more & more of it in my life. I had no appreciation for my life, my friends, my husband, my body, my many professional successes.
That was until a moth ago when I was giving advice to a friend who was on a similar path of belittling herself. She was way younger than I was & it only saddened me to hear of the way she thought of herself. In my effort to encourage her I said something & I think it may have been the smartest thing I have said to anyone so far. I told her to appreciate her small victories be her biggest cheer leader, no matter how small her victory was. No one was going to appreciate her if she was going to be so unappreciative. I don’t know of anyone loving or buying a product that a salesman disparaged.
Yes it’s easier to give advice than use it ! And as I though of all the smart things that just came pouring out of me to save a friend from future misery, I decided that I needed the most saving first! After all I followed Zilch of what I was saying!
So here I am posting a blog as a reminder to myself, that I will be what I set out to be. I will achieve my goals & I hope that in the process of getting there, I will be able to inspire someone who is caught in this jealous insanity